As for small things

I took unplanned naps today and yesterday. It was this persistent pressure on my eyelids...not the normal type of epic sleep deprived exhaustion that I'm used to...but the kind of urge that you just physically can't say no to. Strange. I never nap.

Last night I revised my second draft of one of my potential college essays (I think this is the one). I have to add a couple more sentences and it's pretty set. I feel so good about it. I just know that there's still so much writing to get done, but it feels nice to be taking steps in the right direction.

Guys I had the best breakfast sandwich the morning. It was truly a thing of beauty. The entire time I was fasting on Saturday, this is what I was thinking about. On a pillowy ciabatta roll....unfgh so good. That's all.

As for frustration

Today was an odd one. Fasted for yom kippur (I don't know why I did). Feeling a little bit old. It's weird to think of things that happened in your life that were so integral and really changed your life experience and yourself, and know that they happened years ago. Seeing remnants from those occasions is almost haunting.

I was definitely not feeling intellectually motivated at all today. Pretty blech. So, in that vein, here's a Frustration playlist. For relationships and for life.

Our Battles - Maria Mena

Mama Who Bore Me (Reprise) - Spring Awakening

Heartstrings - Breagh MacKinnon

Heavy In Your Arms - Florence & The Machine

A Better Son/Daughter - Rilo Kiley

Skip the Charades - Cold War Kids

Hope for Now - City and Colour

Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac

Blood On the Frets - Speechwriters LLC

F*ck Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs

As for le weekend

It's one of those crisp fall afternoons. Even better, it's a crisp Friday before a long weekend fall afternoon. Things seem fresh and I've got infinite amounts of free time. Hopefully it will be conducive to really digging into some writing. If not, I'll at least get to finish the immense amount of reading I have to do for Tuesday - finish Pamela for my college lit course and Faust for high school among other insignificant brainless tasks.

I'm sitting in the cafe and all these middle schoolers came in. I didn't have such a bad middle school experience, at least while I was there, but looking back I can see just how much of an identity crisis I went through. Well, not crisis so much, seeing as how I hadn't really solidified one in the first place. By tenth grade I actually started to condense. But, they have so much time ahead of them (as I guess I do too) and haven't even figured out where they stand yet. That's exciting. And daunting.

I'm feeling alright. I'm not dying from stress. It's just...going through the process. And I'm going. I just have to get there.

Happy long weekend everyone, I hope we all have a good one :)

As for atonement

I'm not atoning tomorrow. I'm not atoning ever. I have nothing to be sorry for and I regret not. I don't need someone to validate or pardon my sins; I'm perfectly adept at the process of acceptance and learning from experience myself. I'll just continue on in my humanist way, don't mind me.

One thing I am for, is forgiving others and asking for forgiveness from others of your own accord and once having fully understood the situation and whatever wrongdoings you may have committed. May apologies be made on any and every day, but never feel obligated. We all know, even from the days of elementary school scoldings, when someone is asked to apologize, it is hardly ever sincere. Reflect, to be sure. Take another step in the process of forgiving yourself. But obligation falsifies truths.

Solomon Burke - Don't Give Up On Me

I do, however, obligate you to listen to this classic. Keep loved ones close, screw the rest.

Note to my readers: I never mean to offend, nor do I often go on religion-inspired rants. These are simply my views. As always, thanks for reading. 

As for blur

This week feels like a blur. I can't articulate anything that happened, how I've been feeling, anything. I feel like a drought. I don't know...everything's been alright. Things are weird and new and I don't feel stressed all the time but then I just keep myself up late as self-inflicted punishment. For what, I don't know. Here's a song that sounds how I feel. Not so much the lyrics, but whatever.

Sorry - Maria Mena

I don't even know. Self-reflecting for my college essay is weird. I don't want to write something superficial or normal. I'm writing really about myself and who  I am stemming from the beginning, so it's an emotional struggle and an issue of willpower. I don't know if I can do it. I just need to get through these next few months and no one can help me. It's a personal process and I understand and accept that. So, I'll just keep going. 

As for break ups

Because this playlist is just necessary. Some of it will make you more sad, more angry, more lost, and more ok.

The Break Up Playlist.

Theme Song - Aster

Farewell to the Fairground - White Lies

Gravedigger - Dave Matthews Band

The Next Time You Say "Forever" - Neko Case

Are We There Yet - Ingrid Michaelson

Where Are You Going - Dave Matthews Band

The Only Exception - Paramore

I Don't Know What I'm Doing Anymore - Lissie

Heavenly Day - Patty Griffin

Colors (Ft. Norah Jones) - Amos Lee

I Never - Rilo Kiley

Dirty and Left Out - The Almost

World Spins Madly On - The Weepies

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Tell Me What It's Worth - Lightspeed Chanpion

Fly One Time - Ben Harper and Relentless7

Breakin' Up - Rilo Kiley

When They Fight, They Fight - The Generationals

Melody - Kate Earl

Mad World, Outlive Me - Amelia Curran

Die Motherf*cker Die - Get Set Go

As for quiet days

What a cozy weekend it has been. I woke up bright and early (and by bright I mean cold and rainy and by early I mean 8am) Saturday morning to work on my take home essays for the 18th Century European literature college course I'm taking - due at 1pm! A couple of years ago I would've balked at writing a 6 page essay in one or two days, whereas now my reaction is...psh, bring it on. The rest of my day was crazy relaxed. This has probably been the only school weekend in 2 years that I haven't had to hardcore do schoolwork the entire time. I only wrote a 6 page essay, read half of Pamela, and did a physics problem set! Huzzah! I also took a languorous bath in the middle of afternoon and started reading Jack Kerouac's On the Road because I feel ridiculous not having read it yet.

I also saw "The Guard" at our local arts cinema - go. see it. It's dry sense of humor was beautiful, as were its philosophical and principled drug traffickers. Ended up finally getting to sleep late late late and then decided to actually give myself the luxury of sleeping in. Again, beatiful.

I always have just started listening to Beirut. I know, I know, I'm totally late on the uptake, but please listen to this thing of beauty for me.

Sundays are truly my favorite day of the week. Sure, sometimes you have to do a procrastinated homework crunch, but come on. There's a new issue of the New York Times! What could be better?!

I also got my senior pictures done this weekend by a close friend (who has lovely camera skills) - here's one of my favorites. I don't know which I'll choose yet though.

(c) Leah Parker-Bernstein

(c) Leah Parker-Bernstein