December 7, 2011

As for a little rhythm

This past week and a half, I've gotten into a little bit of a rhythm. I've just been rolling along, business as usual. Nothing new. And yet, I don't feel my usual sense of restlessness and boredom when things get "old." I hesitate to say I feel "comfortable," because that's a little bit oversimplified. I was really stressed last week about finalizing the grades I needed to send into colleges (more on that later), and I am feeling a little pressure about finishing all my supplements, but I feel like those are going to be fine. I've been plugging away pretty continuously at all my various essays, and I'm not close to being done, but I don't really need to be; I'm making significant progress every week, and I know that's exactly where I need to be at. No procrastination! I actually feel really proud of that; going into this year I really wasn't sure how I would end up interacting with the burden of writing supplements - if I would feel constantly behind and stressed, or put them off until it was too late. I think the finiteness of the process and its significance really cinched the deal for my current state of mind. Surprisingly enough, I think this is actually the healthiest interaction I've had with a responsibility yet. I don't really feel annoyingly obligated to write them - I get to write about things I get excited about, and I really enjoy the enforced self-reflection. I guess the whole process has also been so anticipated and accounted for, that it's just something I've really accepted and come to terms with committing myself to. You know what it is? I deeply feel that it's worth it. 

Backtracking to my final grades - I DOMINATED. I pulled through. I surpassed my expectations. YAY ME. God, I'm just so relieved/proud. It's these final victories that are especially, wait for it, validating. Pulling my shit together at the last minute, following through, and ending in success, is so gratifying. :)

It's a rainy Wednesday, production week for Briefs, and I'm drinking a warm chai inside the coffee shop. Mmm. I also don't have an insane amount of homework, have been getting 6 hours of sleep for the past two weeks (this is a lot!) and am just about to start reading Northanger Abbey for my college class (also a good thing). Nice.

Mini-tangent: For class we have to chose between reading Northanger Abbey by Austen or Misfortunes of Virtue by Sade. MoV is just packed with sexual violence, rapes, abnormal sex acts, and gang rape (set in a monastery). Although I am very feminist and do feel comfortable talking about sexuality, personally and societally, I honestly just don't think I'm ready to read MoV. I don't think I'm strong enough yet. This is a little annoying for me to realize, because I like to think of myself as feeling comfortable discussing gender and sexual perspectives, which I am, but just reading a couple hundred pages of that level of graphic sexual violence would be much too tough for me. So, Austen, hello again. We've enjoyed each other before, and we will enjoy each other again this time, too. Sure, I feel a little weak choosing you over Sade, but you're snarky and NA's self-consciousness as a novel really appeals to me. So it'll be fun.

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