January 30, 2012

As for....well, here we go again

Going out Saturday night was a marginally better decision than staying in. It was kind of meh and I just have very little interest in spending time around most of the people that were there. I'm always better in small groups anyway. It was fine. I needed a change of pacel; it didn't really provide one, but at least I stopped watching Netflix Instant for a couple hours. I don't know...I just still feel like I need a social shift. Something to happen, change, erupt, anything. I think travelling over February break might help, but at this point I'm just waiting. Waiting and waiting. Someone asked me the other day what year of high school I liked best and I didn't have an answer. Each one has had good moments, but none have stood out as "awesome fun years." I don't know if this is a bad thing or not, or if it matters.

In other news, I found out yesterday that a photo I printed last year won a Gold Key in a state-wide art competition! It's going to be displayed in an exhibition and everything. I smiled and felt good about  myself :).

Two months until acceptance letters arrive.

Also, I'm reading The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides and it's offering such a heady escape. It's really just beautifully written. Each phrase feels innovative, whether through an expression you wouldn't expect or just lovely simplicity. It's a keeper.

Traveler's Song - Fruit Bats

January 28, 2012

As for feeling apathetic

Of course I am. I hate being able to sleep late. Not universally that is, but in excess. When I have absolutely nothing planned for a weekend...or a week....or a couple of months, I get apathetic. Oh, this is why I like overachieving: I'm always busy! Unfortunately, my next busy period starts in March. That's when third trimester comes along and the play I'm directing starts rehearsing, so I'm really excited for then. But now - not so much. Tonight I'm going out. This should help things in a not entirely healthy or guided fashion.

January 25, 2012

As for winning

I just finished my 3rd college interview in the past two days and let me tell you, that final one....I killed it. Oh, it felt so good. I've done a bunch of interviews so far since I'm applying to a bunch of schools and I've always been good with adults and presenting myself well, so I was never super nervous or awkward or anything but I totally feel like I've made so much progress with the skill that is interviewing and I feel really proud of myself. Good self esteem moment (in small font so it doesn't seem like I'm congratulating myself too much. Shhhh. 

January 22, 2012

As for a couple breaths

Oddly enough, right now, with the snow finally covering the ground and not much keeping me occupied, I am finally feeling that cozy sitting at the cafe for extended periods of time and feeling decompressed not depressive feeling. It's nice. Last night, before I went out to a friend's birthday party, I watched happythankyoumoreplease on Netflix Instant. Now, not including Ghost World (which I watched the other night and was fantastic) I haven't stumbled upon any really good acting-heavy screenplay-quality independent movies on my juants around the interwebs lately. This has been thoroughly disappointing, up until last night. I am aware that this movie is a love it or hate it piece of work - there have been some scathing and equally adoring reviews - I loved it. Yes, it had a sweet ending, but it didn't take a Hollywood/unrealistic/roses and chocolate route to it. The characters were flawed, nuanced, and were thoroughly believable. It also made me want to live in New York. Consider it recommended.

Sufjan Stevens is currently playing. This is nice.

I know this sentiment has been voiced time and time again, but I sincerely dislike when close friends of mine act awful in public. It really repels me.
Every once in a while I realize how strikingly unattractive I am and I wonder how anyone sees or will see past that.

January 20, 2012

As for some antiques

I wrote this a long time ago. When things were fresh. Dramatic. Their newness imbued them with a some sense of worldly importance at the time (about 2 years ago).

We're sitting cross-legged
knee to knee
foreheads kissing
You tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear 

- as is customary - 
hand perched on my shoulder
I hesitantly hold you 
you lean back, pulling me from my waist on top of you
then turning us
like rolling down a hill
arms stretched out above
laughing as the dizziness goes to your head -
i can't see straight


Why ever stand up?

when we could stay here
under this willow.

grass tickles my legs

or is it you?
one grasping my neck, the other on my hip

- always the one to take control. 

then you push my shoulders down
my vision blurring

head spinning
bodies fumbling

I can't see straight.

hands pinned, up against walls

I can't see straight. 

but i hold us back
i hold me back
and I stood up.

My vision shakes
I lay down
I press myself to the ground
yell at the dirt
why won't my head spin?

where did the willow go?

Sharp edges taunt me. 

Come back, this time
we'll stay there.

We'll stay with the shaking edges
and soft corners
the dim closeness you get when someone
is too close to your eyes to see anything.
I don't want to see anything.

As for some bits

"Feel the fear and do it anyway because even though it's not too late now, someday it will be." - Unknown

I love this diddy

How I've been feeling all month - Bill Collins, your wit pleases me greatly.

“Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.” 
- Charles Bukowski

January 18, 2012


I am in a perpetual state of tension. Hung in the balance. Stuck in a cliffhanger. I know that everyone is waiting with me, but it's two and a half months until I find out about college. That is long. Really long. And then I remember as this summer started, I thought to myself, "In less than a year, I'll know where I'll be going." At the time, woah! But now....two months is forever. And I'm so bored. I can't wait until third trimester, which I am officially dubbing my Social Studies Senior Spring. Catchy, I know. With Psych, International Relations, Women in Lit, and Women and Art in Early Modern Europe (guess which one is a college course....I know it's really hard), I am going to be like a pig in shit. A really busy pig in shit. But at least busy with subjects I am excited about. For now, I just can't keep thinking that it's January. My sophomoric January was a pretty defining one, and since then I've just always used this month as a benchmark of my mental state of affairs. And this benchmark yields a result of: boredom/impatience. Again, exciting, I know.

Get me out of here?

Eh. With everything in the can I don't know what to do with myself. Every day is like a giant joke.

January 14, 2012

As for old times

Music defines time periods for me. When I listen to certain songs, playlists, and albums, I am brought right back to the time and place where I listen to them most. Most frequently, songs also get linked to people and events. During the winter of my sophomore year, I was going through a really tough time. I was pretty discouraged and in general just looking to be saved. I pretty much listened to the sad songs from the (500) Days of Summer soundtrack on repeat - cliched, I know, but at least those songs were all vintage and very very good for mopeyness. I just discovered this cover - it brings me right back.

There Is a Light That Never Goes Out - Sara Lov (The Smiths Cover)

January 11, 2012

As for the theatre

Two very exciting updates!

1. Bam. Planning for an informational meeting for my spring play. I can't wait to sink my teeth into this thing.

2. You heard my dancing woes the other day. They have since been remedied! I decided to be a techie this year. Ever since I was a freshman I always saw myself becoming one, but through dancing I got wooed to the "onstage" half of things and never ended up behind it. I'm really excited about the next few months - I really need a techie base of skills for any future theatrical ventures, and anything I learn will definitely help with update #1.

My college application process has led me to weeding through the hundreds of my colleges' student organizations. They have me really excited, especially about the experimental and student-directed theatre organizations. There's one organization that actually runs their own theater, from the position of art director to director of communications. so up my alley. 

January 9, 2012

As for been there done that

I just got back from the first dance rehearsal for the winter musical at my high school. This will be my third year choreographing, fourth year as a featured dancer, and final year at the high school. We learned a quick routine - very jazzy, right up my alley - which was fun, and then we did an improv. I don't know...I just don't really feel that excited about dancing this year. I've never been or tried to be one of those girls who dances six or seven times a week at a studio because I've always known that I prioritize most of my other extracurriculars over dance and I've very comfortably stayed at the "decently good amateur" ranking, which is fine with me. But I'm not close with any of the girls who are choreographing or "featured" dancing this year, and all of the leads are underclassmen or upperclassmen who I'm not that close to. In the past there has always been a huge cohort of people older than me who a. are extremely talented b. who I've idolized and c. who I eventually have become pretty close to. But for this year it's just not exciting. It's not a "fun thing" for me. For each meeting we've had so far I just keep thinking to myself: do I really have to be there? Can I leave early? which is not a good attitude to go into this with. I could back out now, but this is already on the resumes I sent to colleges and I feel obligated. Eh.

As for late nights

The latest rule of a lady got me thinking about nights when you just "lose your soul." When all preconceptions can get tossed out the window and nothing else matters but who you are in that moment. So, for those rare but precious nights, here's a playlist. For losing your soul to.

Lose Your Soul - Dead Man's Bones
Weightless - City and Colour
Sister - The Black Keys
Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) - Arcade Fire
Gunship Politico - State Radio
Coming Down - Dum Dum Girls
Infinite Arms - Band of Horses
Undiscovered First - Feist

January 7, 2012

As for sick days

Long weekend for me, considering I was out from school sick yesterday. It was literally an all day movie marathon. Good Will Hunting in the morning, out to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy at the theater in the afternoon, and The Royal Tenenbaums in the evening. The first and last were amazing, the second was....pretty all over the place. Our consensus was: confused. Although, it was a good excuse to get out of the house.

I also finally jumped on the "El Camino" train - the latest album from The Black Keys. I've always liked their stuff - I probably had five or six of their earlier songs - but I love this album. It's kind of reminiscent of City and Colour's latest album "Little Hell." So far my favorite songs off of it are Hell of a Season and Gold on the Ceiling.

Alright, well I'm still getting over this sickness. Nap time.

January 3, 2012

As for the abby normal

I never thought I would commiserate with the kitty-loving internet crowd, but somehow this one....well, this is how I feel.

As for the next best thing (part deux)

This post is actually going to be about what part un was supposed to be about: the next best thing. My big picture next best thing (do you really have to ask?): next August. College. But in the short term, I figured it was healthy to have some events to look forward to so I don't go into hibernation between now and August (which right now seems like a really good idea).

1. The weekend of the 13th I'm going up with my family to visit the sublet my dad will be living in halftime for his long-distance commute to his new job. This should be nice! The house looks adorable and the town is quaint (I predict consuming a lot of coffee and cafe-products over these couple of days). It is liberal and adorable - what could go wrong?

2. Here's the whopper. For February break, my family and I will be spending the week visiting cousins and seeing shows and bopping around London and Cambridge, England. In Cambridge, we'll be dropping by all of our old haunts (for those of you who don't know, I spent four months of my 9th grade year living and going to school there). In London, we'll be seeing an Agatha Christie play, The 39 Steps, and Zach Braff's new play, All New People. Of course, we have booked the obligatory high tea and will be staying in some boutique hotels, trying being the least-touristy as possible (at least I will...).

3. Late March to early April. For about a one to two week span I will be finding out the results from all of my colleges. Stressful. Exciting (hopefully).

4. My play! Opening at the end of April, I will be producing and directing The Real Thing by Tom Stoppard (check this play out, I'm pretty much in love with it). Auditions will be held in February. I'm very excited to sink my teeth into this thing.

5. A lazy summer. Hopefully I'll get a job at my local bookshop, whither my days away in the corner with a stack of books, and in general chill out and earn money. This offers a much needed reprieve from school and my past two very awesome but very academic summers.

For now, I'm just playing the waiting game.

January 2, 2012

As for the next best thing

I spent all day reading, in the kitchen, and listening to the soundtrack to Midnight in Paris. Mmmm, this is nice. However, there is the ever-lurking hint of what's to come. That being, tomorrow. That meaning, back to "school." (Imagine me shooting a belittling glare at some of the idiots I have to coexist by). Oy. It's always that much worse going back after I have been given a reprieve. After this past summer and the summer before, being immersed in academic environments with other grad students and professors was exactly what I had gone looking for and found. And then....I return to school. It's not that my high school is bad. Not at all. We have impressive theater, English, and social studies departments. The vibe is not the typical footballer/cheerleader-perpetrated dichotomy of the normal American high school. But once I got a taste of something good...let's just say I've outgrown my school. Yes, that's it. The college courses I'm enrolled in offer a much-needed reprieve from the rote methods of high school education. Anyways, enough of the ranting.

Just having submitted all of my college applications makes the next five months all the more painful. This summer, and all through the fall semester, I've been telling myself: "Just make it to January, then the applications will be over and you can relax." But no. I can't relax. I have to stress out about physics until March, and then I have to spend all my time choreographing and at musical rehearsals until March as well, and then I have to stress and spend all my time producing my play (which I'm thrilled about! But still, it does not offer a reprieve) and rehearsing for my play and then on top of all of that I have to get this hour-long pilot episode we're doing off of the ground and wrapped by March and produce a monthly TV show that's actually of some measure of quality. In conclusion: now I have to just make it to June. I'm feeling a little burnt out.

I just came back from The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I knew it would be good. It was. David Fincher never ceases to bowl me over; his use of color and tone are always the cherry on top of his incredible movies. I recommend it, but perhaps you should see it on an empty stomach.

I went from listening to French music all day to listening to all music by Heart (specifically: Magic Man) after that film!

In 8 hours I'll be bathed in fluorescent lighting and filled with bitter coffee. I can't wait.

...plus two pictures from this week! (first is digital, second was taken on 35mm)

By a waterfall
New Paltz, NY