April 28, 2012

As for morality and soul aching

First of all, anticipate a 60s playlist! It will carry all of the music played during my show and the pre-show jams. I feel kind of....I don't know who to write this for. Sometimes I feel like this is just my diary, and other times, I feel like I have readers to serve. I don't know if I like that, mostly because I feel like I have to censor myself, when this was supposed to be the place where I didn't need to be. I liked my readers from far away - Providence (miss you), Colorado, Cambridge. But home town....mmm. Because now, if I just say 'fuck it' and say what I need to, I can't trust what will leave the safety of the internet and bleed into real life and I don't like those two mixing. Can't have that. If I do censor, this blog isn't doing its job.

Meanwhile, this Damien Rice song makes my soul hurt. Pair with Colors by Amos Lee and I Guess I'll Hang My Tears Out To Dry by Dexter Gordon. Plus, I'm part way through "Closer" directed by Mike Nichos. Warning: this is an acting-heavy movie, watch out! It's also making my soul hurt. Please watch it, unless you're sexually repressed, in which case, you will have a very difficult time getting through it. Actually, anyone will have a hard time getting through it; it's very upsetting. These are good things.

Accidental Babies - Damien Rice

I wish I was doing things wrong again. Today, in psychology, we were talking about the development of moral systems; it reminded me about the end of sophomore year. Did she or didn't she. Ha. She did. I was lucky I was who I was, or else things could've gotten out of control. But really, they were just the perfect amount of bad. They were fresh, new, exciting, and releasing. I don't know what would've become of me if I stayed pent up. Would I still be like that today? Unwilling to stray from the black and white range of possibilities? Practically unable to? God, those shades of gray posed a difficult trick. I was worried the wrong choice would ruin my prospects and my view of myself, but in reality, if I hadn't worked through that decision, I would be incapable of liberal critical thought. Besides, it was exciting to evolve into someone I never knew I could be or saw myself being. It just hadn't been a branch on my preconceived fig tree. I like looking back at myself one year ago, and seeing someone fundamentally different. Never establish equilibrium. Equilibrium is a cage.

April 25, 2012

As for exhaustion (and a cure)

This afternoon, I was a shadow of my former self. Monday and Tuesday I had been out at production week rehearsals until 10:30, and let me tell you, those things are draining. Awesome, but draining. So tonight I came home, and my dad gave me a sidecar. It was awesome. I felt like Don Draper. My mental health has significantly improved. Also, I decided to commit to the Brown waitlist because they do offer a major that fits my interests better; I don't know if I would choose it if given the option, but I guess I'd like to see if I have the option to have the option first, you know? No big deal.
P.S. Our show's opening song
You Know My Name - The Beatles

April 22, 2012

As for nighttime blues

I just feel sad. I don't know. It's cold and rainy and we're just about to head into tech week for my production. It's not anything in particular, I just feel....lonely? I just watched half of The Substitute from My So-Called Life, and I'm listening to Birdy. I should be working on school papers. But I just can't bring myself to.

April 21, 2012

As for a summer day and the bullies

Wait, what was that? It isn't summer? I don't understand. I slept late this morning, made myself toast and coffee for breakfast. Which I ended up having at 2pm on my front porch in the beautiful weather. Went out with my family for sushi (my second time having it!) as well, which was nice.

Side note. You know what they always used to say to the nerdy bullied kids (a.k.a. me)? In the end, you will come out on top. The popular kids are peaking now, you will peak later. Your nerdy issues will prove useful later on, you will lead a long and fruitful life. I don't know about the rest of you, but I didn't believe one stitch of this as a kid. Now? self-aggrandizing moment The college I'm going to is far better than the colleges my bullies will be attending next fall. Mwahahahaha. Life. Win.

April 17, 2012

As for my first day of camp

....I mean "on campus. I doubly mean "Days on Campus." I triply mean "accepted students weekend." Yesterday and today there have/will be a host of activities for us prospective students - prospies. Now, let it be known that I have already chosen this college for sure. The deposit is in, there is no going back. Early this month I was wrestling between three colleges, but honestly I knew in my heart of hearts which one I would end up chosing, and going through the charade of visiting schools I loved but knew I didn't love the most wasn't really productive. Too many things about the school I chose fit me and my priorities exactly. It's perfect. But then, of course, the night after I committed, buyer's remorse set in. I was worried that the administration was too distant, students were too fratty, everyone regretted coming here, and the core requirements were too old school and time consuming. Now, I knew and I know that these were all nervous anxieties, mostly fueled by obscure posts on college forums. It didn't help that the first time I visited here, it was winter and everyone was dark and depressive and I was really turned off by the vibe.

All right. I just realized how silly it was that I'm being so evasive about where I'm going. It will define my next four years. Columbia University, here I come!

It's strange and a little scary to go from weighing the pros and cons of other schools I was accepted into and feeling buyer's remorse to really accepting that none of the other schools that I obsessed over for so long are relevant any more. That next year I will be going to Columbia. One school. To go from an infinite number of possible futures, to a narrowed down list once results rolled in, to just one. It's so much more real and tangible.

Days on Campus was really great. From student panels, to master classes, late night bus tours of Manhattan, touring The Spectator, and staying over with a host, I kept meeting people who were just fascinating. There were so many eclectic people - diverse not only in nationality and ethnicity, but in experiences, interests, and personalities. All the stereotypes I had heard through the grapevine were just so inaccurate. So many of the Columbia students I met loved the Core Curriculum, had awesome concentrations and majors, lots of internship experience, and led really cool student groups. I guess I would call them "socially bookish."Plus now there are so many activities I see myself really involved in: Orchesis, the dance group, CUPAL, The Spectator, etc. I'm most scared about learning how to balance everything - the classes, the city, the internships, and the student organizations. I also really don't want to let all the opportunities Columbia offers slip through my fingers, like interning and working abroad. I just don't want to miss out! Four years is a long time, I know, but it just feels like everything is going to move so fast and before I know it, I will be graduating. I just want to feel like I really took advantage of the opportunity I have to be a Columbia student, and the doors that opens.

I went to a lecture by the woman who is the Chair of Literature Humanities, and something she said really kind of got me: "If you let it, the Core will fundamentally change you." That's how I feel about the next four years (we're getting into hardcore sentimentality here). It just feels like anything could happen, anything is possible, if only I let it. I can't wait.

April 10, 2012

As for the current state of affairs

Well here's a little update on life. This morning I woke up, hopped on a train to The City with my parents and saw a taping of The Colbert Report! It was so frickin cool! To see behind the things and everything! And he was hilarious! And the comedian was so funny! And it was such an all around lovely experience! Ok, I'm done fangirling. Needless to say, it was such a fun experience (and free!).

Also, "According to a recent psychology study, people who spent money on food, travel and other experiences tend to be more extroverted and adventurous than those who spent their money on material things." I like and support this. 

Earlier this week, in psychology, we watched a video of a surgical procedure, in which the surgeons exposed the majority of the surface of a young girl with epilepsy's brain, laid in sheets which would sense electrical currents, and closed her back up. We saw the throbbing blood vessels, the peeled back skin, the works. It was awful. Now, know that this summer I actually saw a brain sliced and diced. Main difference being that that brain was not attached to a body, did not have blood on it, and in general, looked quite dehumanized. I thought I would've been fine with this. Needless to say, I sat there at 8am and felt my empty stomach turn over. My face tingled and I tried to focus on the worksheet in front of me, focusing on the words in front of me. Needless to say, the giant image of an exposed brain violently invaded my peripheral vision. I started to feel light headed. When I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I stood up, shakily made my way to the bathroom sign out, and left class. The moment I closed the door, my vision zoomed into a tunnel. I was unaware of my surroundings, and pressed my hands against the cool metal lockers. I think there was a student down the hallway, but I wasn't sure, and was relatively alone. Honestly, I don't know how I got from the door to the restroom, but it kind of felt like I slumped my way there along the wall. The moment I got in, I brushed past one other girl - I couldn't tell who it was - and focused my gaze on the one thing I could see, and the one thing that mattered - a stall door. I somehow departed the wall long enough to make it inside and immediately my legs gave out. I slumped down the stall's wall until I was sitting on the floor, head between my knees, trying desperately to see evenly and maybe regain some measure of sight. After a bit, I could see again, and got hold of my surroundings. I got a wet towel, immediately retreated again to my patch of floor, and laid it on the back of my neck. I returned to class - no one had any idea I had nearly just blacked out. Well, moral of the story is, I do not plan on going to medical school.

April 1, 2012

My college acceptances reaction:

As for the year

It is amazing to me that, in just one year, I have gone through so many experiences. Phases of anxiety, of preparation, of decisions. In two hours it will be the April of my senior spring. It will be spring! I have been counting down to this - it's amazing it is actually here. I felt the same way when January 1 passed me by - I had been waiting for that date, that date when college applications would be in. But now it is spring I am accepted I am validated and I am awed. Awed that I'm here, in this position right now. Awed that time has passed. Awed that I am registered to vote, and I know have powers of confidentiality with my doctor, and I could go into a drugstore and buy something and show my ID and have it mean something. Awed because when a curious adult inquires if I know where I'm going to college, I do not respond with an anxious "I haven't heard yet," but the coveted response, "I'm deciding between a few places."

I'M DECIDING!  I have agency! Not only have I been accepted at one place, but at many! Not all, I assure you. But 10/14. 12 If you count waitlists. Is this real life? I find me in the situation of making a list of schools I have truly coveted and crossing them off! I hate doing that! I really do! But at the same time I feel so blessed. So proud. So happy. I won't say "fate has been kind to me" because as all high school seniors know, this is not fate. This is not luck. Yes, I am proud that I am worthy of these schools, but by no means do I feel like I actually possess any knowledge to be proud of. I do not feel smarter because I have gotten in. I feel like now I have the opportunity to become smart, to embrace knowledge, and really learn about everything I have daydreamed of learning! Crossing off those schools from my list of schools I now have the option to attend is in no way a joyous act, it's necessary. And it's hard. Especially because some of my very dear friends have been denied from the very schools I am obligated to deny. With every acceptance that rolled in from a school that was lower on my list, I smiled, to be sure - it's always nice to feel wanted - I would think to myself this is ridiculous!, and I would mark it down on my list of college decisions but I would also feel that twinge of guilt. Enough of that.

I have signed up for my top three college choices for this April. I am really excited. But also nervous - I'm always nervous, being in crowds of people I don't know and I'm expected to talk to is not my forte. Hello, introversion! Meanwhile, in other news, the play is going very well. Our actors are almost off book. I'm quite pleased. I'm reading Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence for my AP project (I picked it myself - of course), and it's totally rocking my world. I love it. I always admit I read The Hunger Games. It was like reading a movie script, but entertaining all the same. Alright, company is over now - off I go!