As for a taste of life

Over vacation, I was in London. I've been there quite a few times before, so it was a mix of exotic and comfort for me. But in the context of this year, god it was fantastic. Each day was fresh - a different gallery, museum, restaurant, show. Seeing family, being in a fresh environment. I was living. I found myself running through London back to the hotel after a show, a few wines in me, through the tourists in Piccadilly Circus, and thinking this is what living is. And it hurts so bad to come back. If given the choice to complete the rest of the year from a distance, I would. It was a fantastic week, and it reminded me how much I love travel, and how when I satisfy my wanderlust, it comes right back.

As for un voyage

Tomorrow morning I will departing at 6am for London for the next week! We plan on seeing theater, going to high teas, and hanging out with family. Except photos....but for now, an inspired - if I may say so myself - Nighttime Hypnotic Acoustic Mix.

As Much As I Ever Could - City and Colour

And If My Heart Should Somehow Stop - James Vincent McMorrow

Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine

Simple Girl - Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr.

The Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin

All My Days - Alexi Murdoch

The Scientist - Coldplay

Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine

Fall In Love At A Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg

One and Only - Adele

Infinite Arms - Band of Horses

Calgary - Bon Iver

The Stable Song - Gregory Alan Isakov

[Listen Here]

As for a little note

Just a reminder to my future self: next year in college, be sure to join some sort of film photography club or start a Polaroid.

The polaroid I currently have been borrowing has eaten a roll and a half of film, about $20, and I've pretty much given up on it. Such a bummer. But for my 18th birthday my grandparents might be getting me a used SX-70....hopefully!!!

As for well...tomorrow

I'll just lay here feeling sorry for myself and listening to One and Only on repeat, no worries!

One and Only - Adele

As for late nights

It is 1:19 am and I've stayed up late studying for physics. Well, part studying, part procrastinating. That's a given.  I figured I'd post this - I wrote this during math class last week.

An ode to the girl with her nose in a book

Somehow you’ve learned to navigate these

locker-plastered hallways

with your peripheral vision alone.

novel propped up on

steadily bobbing hands

hair streaming out behind you

- as if you might be perpetually diving into the pages,

inertia, ever persistant –

bodies ebb and flow around you

but you: the uncaring straight-laced girl with her nose in a book –

unwaveringly strides down the hallway

head bowed over yellowed pages

far gone into a world the rest of us couldn’t begin to imagine.

Oh, girl with her nose in a book, will you take us with you?

beyond the fluorescent lights and blue lockers

past the laminated lavatory passes and rumbling photocopiers

but I always wonder, girl with her nose in a book,

will you come back to us?

- can you?

your hair has grown and your clothes have changed

- but that mind, girl.

That mind is filled with reams of papyrus

with love and loss, Sturm und Drang

monsters and lovers, deaths and births.

That mind might never come back, girl.

That mind might stay in its higher garden of dreams

in its what ifs and could be’s.

Oh please, girl with her nose in a book?

Will you bring one along for the ride?

Will you bring me?

As for the beginning of a fresh start

Today was really good. It was beautiful out - 50 degrees in February, that is - and I found myself driving home with the windows open blasting Piece of My Heart by Janis Joplin. It was a late start, which obviously helped a lot, and I had the last period of the day off. Awesome. The real game changer was the fact that I had something new going on! Two new things actually.

First and definitely foremost, I held the first round of auditions for the play I'm directing today! I swear, sitting in the black box with the warm light filtering in and being on the other side of auditions...it was so nostalgic for me. I have been auditioning in this same room since 9th grade, and for the first year and a half, I wasn't getting any of the parts either. I remember being so nervous. So desperately wanting to be a part of the awesome experience that is a show. Then, last year and the year before, I got those chances. And those chances all started in this one room. I love the idea of giving other younger peers similar experiences - they meant so much to me. I loved seeing all the talent too. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to cast this thing. 7 parts. 14 auditions on day one. Who knows how many tomorrow.

To preface my second thing: as you must know by now, I am serially single. Surprisingly, last year this wasn't too much of a mental health problem for me. You know why? Because simply the act of somehow being involved in some sort of tryst, whether it be on the upswing, downswing, down low, or out loud, at least makes my day that much more different from the days passed and the one to come. I need that something to signify that today wasn't simply a regurgitation of any one of the past hundred. And last night, I distantly got a little distinguisher. Those little motions of courtship and flirtship won't lead to anything, but you know what? It made me smile. And at this point, that's all I ask for.

A selection from my day...

All For Swinging You Around - The New Pornographers

I May Be Young - Dean Friedman

With Arms Outstretched - Rilo Kiley

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. - Noah and the Whale

Don't Look Back In Anger - Oasis

Testament To Youth In Verse - The New Pornographers

Loveliest Creature - Savoir Adore

Grey or Blue - Jaymay

Moon and Sun - Gomez

Acid Tongue - Jenny Lewis

[Listen Here]

As for blankness

I just feel like nothing. Here's a low key playlist. It's called: Low Key. Oh my!

One May Die So Lonely - Jaymay

The World May Never Know - Dr. Dog

Traveler's Song - Fruit Bats

The Drying of the Lawns - The Tallest Man On Earth

True or False - Bishop Allen

Yesterday Once More - The Carpenters

Every Day That We Wake Up It's A Beautiful Day - Fruit Bats

[Listen Here]

My Senior Year

I just came off of a 2 hour pity party with an extremely close friend of mine - an hour for him, an hour for me! Ish. We fleshed out our mutual problems, and as usual, my end of it became about my senior year blues.

You've heard about how I feel like I've "outgrown" my school. How I've outgrown my situation. How I've outgrown my obligations. Still true. But at this point, what saddens me the most about this year is that I know that I am withering away nine months of my life waiting for the next stage to arrive. I have had passionate experiences. The work and studies I pursued over the past two summers were incredibly engaging and exciting; I felt like I fit. But here? Now? I don't feel like I fit. Over the summer, I was living my way with people I cared about, doing something I  was passionate about. And to go from that to satisfying a requirement for an academic year is sobering. So many people find themselves in situations where they are not satisfied, but don't know what makes them passionate. My current frustration is that I do know what makes me passionate, I just can't get to it yet. There are two or three people in this town that I really care about and feel personally committed to, but I do not fit (or wish to fit) in with the majority of my peers. On an intellectual, personal, or sociable level. I just hate to see these nine months, which could have been so valuable and formative if fully taken advantage of, be squandered.

And yes, there are things I am proud of now. I'm proud of the shows I work on. I love my friends. I love my town. But this is not conducive to my growth as a person. This is not where I need to be to become whoever I'm going to become. This is unproductive. And it makes me sad.

As for another week gone

Well, here I am. I'm finally again in that state of mind you saw me in this fall - it's a Friday afternoon, I'm listening to soft blues music at the cafe, drinking a mocha as an award for myself, and relaxed. Things have been...going. My play is revving up - auditions next week! And this Monday I applied last minute to a safety school I had initially decided not to apply to due to an immense lack of self-confidence. Yay! So now I can pretty much be sure that I'm going to get into college. Hey, at least it's more likely than before. I also have my second to last college interview today. To be honest, I'm so sick of them. If the interviewer isn't interesting/doesn't actually engage in conversation, it just feels like I'm performing for 45 minutes. I don't like putting myself on display like that.

As for my future self

More to come later, but for now, a late night note-to-self:

Hey future Jessie,
It's August 2012. You're a first year! Congratulations! Now, you and I both know how easy it is for you to whither away months by counting down to the next big thing (like I am right now with college results. Guilty as charged.). So, to avoid wasting these precious four years, I want you to do something cheesy and out-of-character. Don't be ashamed. I want you to get a journal, decorate it, and inside have a page for every month. On the first of each month, write a list of things you want to do. Now, these should not be "goals" such as going to the gym twice a week or doing all of your homework. Especially if you're in a city, these should be actual events, museums you want to visit, comedy clubs you need to check out, academic opportunities/internships you should pursue. Don't get lazy and don't get passive. Accomplish these things. You have free time - use it! Besides, what are you going to remember more, another Netflix Instant movie or a day out exploring? Go exploring. Live where you are. Don't just inhabit it.
See you soon,
February Jessie

P.S. I would like to note that this is the first time I have written a self-help note to my future self. I am slightly ashamed.