February 4, 2012

My Senior Year

I just came off of a 2 hour pity party with an extremely close friend of mine - an hour for him, an hour for me! Ish. We fleshed out our mutual problems, and as usual, my end of it became about my senior year blues.

You've heard about how I feel like I've "outgrown" my school. How I've outgrown my situation. How I've outgrown my obligations. Still true. But at this point, what saddens me the most about this year is that I know that I am withering away nine months of my life waiting for the next stage to arrive. I have had passionate experiences. The work and studies I pursued over the past two summers were incredibly engaging and exciting; I felt like I fit. But here? Now? I don't feel like I fit. Over the summer, I was living my way with people I cared about, doing something I  was passionate about. And to go from that to satisfying a requirement for an academic year is sobering. So many people find themselves in situations where they are not satisfied, but don't know what makes them passionate. My current frustration is that I do know what makes me passionate, I just can't get to it yet. There are two or three people in this town that I really care about and feel personally committed to, but I do not fit (or wish to fit) in with the majority of my peers. On an intellectual, personal, or sociable level. I just hate to see these nine months, which could have been so valuable and formative if fully taken advantage of, be squandered.

And yes, there are things I am proud of now. I'm proud of the shows I work on. I love my friends. I love my town. But this is not conducive to my growth as a person. This is not where I need to be to become whoever I'm going to become. This is unproductive. And it makes me sad.

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