April 1, 2012

As for the year

It is amazing to me that, in just one year, I have gone through so many experiences. Phases of anxiety, of preparation, of decisions. In two hours it will be the April of my senior spring. It will be spring! I have been counting down to this - it's amazing it is actually here. I felt the same way when January 1 passed me by - I had been waiting for that date, that date when college applications would be in. But now it is spring I am accepted I am validated and I am awed. Awed that I'm here, in this position right now. Awed that time has passed. Awed that I am registered to vote, and I know have powers of confidentiality with my doctor, and I could go into a drugstore and buy something and show my ID and have it mean something. Awed because when a curious adult inquires if I know where I'm going to college, I do not respond with an anxious "I haven't heard yet," but the coveted response, "I'm deciding between a few places."

I'M DECIDING!  I have agency! Not only have I been accepted at one place, but at many! Not all, I assure you. But 10/14. 12 If you count waitlists. Is this real life? I find me in the situation of making a list of schools I have truly coveted and crossing them off! I hate doing that! I really do! But at the same time I feel so blessed. So proud. So happy. I won't say "fate has been kind to me" because as all high school seniors know, this is not fate. This is not luck. Yes, I am proud that I am worthy of these schools, but by no means do I feel like I actually possess any knowledge to be proud of. I do not feel smarter because I have gotten in. I feel like now I have the opportunity to become smart, to embrace knowledge, and really learn about everything I have daydreamed of learning! Crossing off those schools from my list of schools I now have the option to attend is in no way a joyous act, it's necessary. And it's hard. Especially because some of my very dear friends have been denied from the very schools I am obligated to deny. With every acceptance that rolled in from a school that was lower on my list, I smiled, to be sure - it's always nice to feel wanted - I would think to myself this is ridiculous!, and I would mark it down on my list of college decisions but I would also feel that twinge of guilt. Enough of that.

I have signed up for my top three college choices for this April. I am really excited. But also nervous - I'm always nervous, being in crowds of people I don't know and I'm expected to talk to is not my forte. Hello, introversion! Meanwhile, in other news, the play is going very well. Our actors are almost off book. I'm quite pleased. I'm reading Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence for my AP project (I picked it myself - of course), and it's totally rocking my world. I love it. I always admit I read The Hunger Games. It was like reading a movie script, but entertaining all the same. Alright, company is over now - off I go!

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