April 28, 2012

As for morality and soul aching

First of all, anticipate a 60s playlist! It will carry all of the music played during my show and the pre-show jams. I feel kind of....I don't know who to write this for. Sometimes I feel like this is just my diary, and other times, I feel like I have readers to serve. I don't know if I like that, mostly because I feel like I have to censor myself, when this was supposed to be the place where I didn't need to be. I liked my readers from far away - Providence (miss you), Colorado, Cambridge. But home town....mmm. Because now, if I just say 'fuck it' and say what I need to, I can't trust what will leave the safety of the internet and bleed into real life and I don't like those two mixing. Can't have that. If I do censor, this blog isn't doing its job.

Meanwhile, this Damien Rice song makes my soul hurt. Pair with Colors by Amos Lee and I Guess I'll Hang My Tears Out To Dry by Dexter Gordon. Plus, I'm part way through "Closer" directed by Mike Nichos. Warning: this is an acting-heavy movie, watch out! It's also making my soul hurt. Please watch it, unless you're sexually repressed, in which case, you will have a very difficult time getting through it. Actually, anyone will have a hard time getting through it; it's very upsetting. These are good things.

Accidental Babies - Damien Rice

I wish I was doing things wrong again. Today, in psychology, we were talking about the development of moral systems; it reminded me about the end of sophomore year. Did she or didn't she. Ha. She did. I was lucky I was who I was, or else things could've gotten out of control. But really, they were just the perfect amount of bad. They were fresh, new, exciting, and releasing. I don't know what would've become of me if I stayed pent up. Would I still be like that today? Unwilling to stray from the black and white range of possibilities? Practically unable to? God, those shades of gray posed a difficult trick. I was worried the wrong choice would ruin my prospects and my view of myself, but in reality, if I hadn't worked through that decision, I would be incapable of liberal critical thought. Besides, it was exciting to evolve into someone I never knew I could be or saw myself being. It just hadn't been a branch on my preconceived fig tree. I like looking back at myself one year ago, and seeing someone fundamentally different. Never establish equilibrium. Equilibrium is a cage.

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