October 13, 2011

As for the process

I think I'm pretty much finished with my personal statement. I will be in a crapbucket of stress until Monday for other reasons, but it's a slight comfort that a big step is done. The amount of supplement work I still have to do is more than daunting, so I can't mentally be truly happy for myself about this - but a little bit.

So far it has been a really frazzled journey towards this final draft. I started (and as of a couple days ago) didn't have a defined topic. Contrary to popular advice, this lack of direction is what ended up leading me towards a topic that is the most personally defining. I was writing drafts of all sorts of different topics - I think six or seven total. They were all decent. Then I wrote one that I had a "good melon" feeling about. I read it over a week later and discovered that it was awful. Totally flustered (and with absolutely no faith in myself as a creative writer - I haven't written a narrative essay for years) I floundered and started a couple other drafts that were more occasion-specific until I came back to that disappointing essay and over a couple of days, redrew a completely different path for it. My process was unguided and divided. But it ended up leading me, stumbling, towards the perfect topic and (finally) the perfect expression of my point. I truly feel so proud of it, so much so that I keep on coming up with conspiracy theories that prove that I somehow didn't write it, because I just don't feel like I'm capable of writing a good creative piece.

It just SO embodies the roots of who I am.

"You can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room." 
- Dr. Seuss

Exactly so. It was a process. And to think without this insanely stressful method of applying for college, I never would have discovered things I actually knew about myself, but just hadn't unearthed. Even essays that weren't on the same topic as my final...writing so many of them all over the place was like outlining an oeuvre of what's important to me and what has been integral to crafting who I am today. We think we know it in our heads, but to actually take the weeks and months to get that all out - that's priceless. And to think, in 80 days my applications will be sent away and these essays will be buried in one of many folders titled "Personal Statements." I can't wait to discover them (and this blog) in the future, especially because I feel like they really are snapshots of where I am now and what I feel has been important to my development. 

Here's a short selection of what I've been listening to for the past couple of days (reminder: playlists are always better when you listen to them in order!). This is a conglomeration of really disparate musical styles, but they all somehow blend together. 

These Days - Jackson Browne
The Bad In Each Other - Feist
Easy - Deer Tick
Blow Away - A Fine Frenzy
Far Away - Washed Out
Trouble - Cat Stevens

Also - this cover is epic.

One and Only - Elizabeth Gillies

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