November 20, 2011

As for validation

It's a good morning, isn't it? I'm buckling down on some college supplements, but in a motivated and excited way (not in an anxious and rushed way). This is good. I'm stressing a bit about some tests on Tuesday, but...let's not talk about those.

This past week there has been a lot of press on a program that I work on (I won't discuss it in detail here because then this would turn into a blog entirely about that activity. Long story short: I've been working on it since ninth grade, it's been a huge growing experience, and I love it.) and lots of the adults in my life and that my parents know have been giving us lots of compliments and being very 'adulty proud,' etc. A big part of me dismisses the compliments. I know this sounds ridiculous and conceited, but ever since elementary school I've been overachieving and 'making adults proud.' Their fawning is nice, but I really do not get an ego boost out of it or feel more proud at all. I've always overachieved for myself. Kind of like a need to prove to myself my own worth (we're about to get psychological: watch out). I've never been the prettiest or the most popular; I got bullied a lot in elementary school and it took me a while to find really close friends (which I have now - hey guys, I really appreciate you). Overachieving is under my control. I can succeed in it and every day I feel validated by my successes. I suppose that's why the college process is especially scary for me - everyone is nervous about getting in to where they want, I understand that. But for me it feels like my acceptance or rejection answers the question "Was it all worth it?" Was all my work enough? Am I enough? I never had a "bad semester" or lull of achievement; I don't feel like my application has to make up for any imperfections. It is simply me at my best. And I need to know that my best is enough.

Also I would just like to say that being single last year was the BEST thing that ever happened to me. Sure all year I was all why don't any boys understaaaaand me, this sucksss (in that really annoying teenagey way). But that lack of social life really allowed me to dig into my studies and pound the pavement like I never have before. Last year was a great success for me academically (and therefore, overall). There was a lot of personal growth that I'm really proud of. That year and this fall have really proven to me that when I really need to get shit done and achieve, I will. That self-validation feels pretty great.

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